But what I understood is that happiness can never be the middle or a balance. And that finally it is not about finding balance and holding on to it like a crazy junkie. Every wish for perfection, mine at least, comes from early childhood. If at little age you already learn, that love and affection have to be earned, is in big trouble later on. And the shit lies very deep.
If I look back to my past relationships I see a little Sophia, that gave her best – her very best – to be seen. A person that, mostly unconsciously, tried day by day to be good. Better, funnier, more interesting and more helpful. A Sophia that wanted to be everything, except herself.
And guys, I can tell you that was a hell of a job. And then, all of a sudden (that was a joke, it took me 3 years of therapy of course) it was over. But still, I was waiting for enlightenment. Yes, the birds sung and after 20 years I got back my sense of smell (yes, it was really gone before). But some stupid assholes still thought that it would be nice to show me their dicks on the streets by night. I was still sexually harassed, the world was still turning around money and success and people were still boring and stiff.
So my time of anger came. And hallelujah was I full of hate. I hated the whole society, all it’s victims, advertisement and it’s sick brainwashing and all the addictions that carry us through life. So many years of self conscious work, so much inner development and so many goodbyes and still nothing was balanced. I rather more slipped from one extreme into the other.
I held on to my books, my friends and my therapist. I was searching for my inner balance and happiness needier and more desperate then ever. And then I understood. Everything is everything. Happiness is due to misfortune, peace due to riots, tranquillity due to restlessness. No every time I tried – even today – to put on only one of this shoes sooner or later the other one comes from behind and kicks me. And in the end I have anyways everything inside and around me.
A friend of mine once said:
“Do you know this days when you feel really really bad and you just feel like crying the whole time? — Aren’t they lovely?”
Balance for me is to let things come, no matter if they are good or bad. Because if everything is everything then it doesn’t really matter if I cry, laugh or just shit on a table in the meantime.