Sophia, 30 and I have some questions.
Generally I would say, I’m a critical human being. I always was. Sadly most other human beings totally misunderstood that fact and decided that it’s much easier to call me crazy. But that’s ok. Anyways I imagine it seriously annoying to be reminded all over the time of all the things in this world that are just strange. But that’s how I see the world and and after 30 years I am finally capable to let myself get carried away in it. And I seriously have to admit, that it feels good not feeling the urge to save it anymore. And it feels even better that I don’t have feel the urge anymore to change myself.
Who? Why? What? How could that possibly happen?
They were a bunch of long and instructive years, I can promise you that.
But hell no, I won’t even start to talk about my whole life in the first part, that’s too much for anyone. But because I don’t want to start out of anything, I will give you a short introduction.
I was born in the heart of the Ruhrgebiet… (though I still don’t understand what this is about the heart, regional patriotism is something for people with prejudices. And gays.)
Wait, fuck, who cares where I’m from? To be honest I digress in thoughts, because my mind is with the fact, that I still have to buy flowers for Mother’s Day, how little I feel like doing that and playing this “everything is nice” game. Not even this pseudo polemics against gay haters, prejudices and their owners help.
Because overall the whole thing is about something else. It’s about radical honesty, about happiness and freedom. For this reason I already propagated “Only dead fish swim with the stream” on my army backpack in school. And I even understood it at this young 14 years I was old. The only sad thing, is that this years, instead of being full with innocence and hope, where loaded with fear, insecurity and neediness. Because being different is never easy. And our society is really not focused on supporting individualism, freedom of speech, respect and self-love. And not only despite, most of all because of this sad circumstances, I decided to write. To provide courage. To ease the fear of failing. To tell my little me, that I am good as I am.
A few months ago I quit my job and a marketing agency, shortly after that I left my flat and finally I was also able to stop my miserable relation to my big love. It sounds as radical as it was. since then I live from the head to the mouth and let myself drift. Which again sound more romantic (and homeless) then it actually is. But who, after 30 years of conditioning, can easily say: “hey, I leave on my securities behind and I am toooootally not afraid”? Nobody. I personally still shit my pants every once in a while. And each and every of my closest friends can sing you a song about it. Why I am doing this is a very appropriate question. Because this life is still a million times better then how it was before. Because control is only a fallacy of security.
This fatamorgana in which we live only quenches our thirst, till we come back to senses. Or till our partner leaves us, we loose our job or go through a classic burnout situation. Then, all of a sudden, all our alleged securities are fucked.
Exactly 3 years ago I was at that point. I had my first own burnout. The best therapist is the world, helped me to get rid of my partner and quit my life sucking company. But passionate (and addicted) as I was, right away I decided to fall in love with Spain and one of its inhabitants. So I moved towards south, with a bunch of stuff that nobody needs and a heart full of butterflies.
To cut along story short, my last revolt had started!
A didn’t have penny and I taught myself Spanish from the scratch in a couple of months. I had no professional education neither references and got myself a job in a high class marketing agency. I didn’t give up and made the man of my dreams tell me “I love you”. Several times and without putting a gun to his head. So there I was and somehow I had made it, again. My loft in the center of Barcelona earned regular jealousy and and my work was exactly what I wanted. Why wasn’t I finally happy? Why couldn’t I lean back and just enjoy?
A bunch of skype talks with my best friends and Theo Fischers “Wu Wei” broke the camels back. In a few months little by little all my attachments started loosing their magic. Suddenly I wasn’t my work anymore, not my relationship, not my flat. All of this got unimportant.
First I started when I was sitting in the park. All of a sudden I felt so strangely comfortable, I felt at home. And with time I observed that I had this feeling more and more often. So finally I realized that I was at home everywhere. In the bus, at the beach, even in the waiting line of the city council. And that was just the beginning. I started to feel happier and freer then ever. So I decided to keep up with my inner freedom by disconnecting from my outer attachments too.
Which brings me back to where I am now. Sitting in the Ruhrgebiet, where I was pressed into this earth and now, a bunch of years later, I have parked my suitcase and am drinking a coffee.
By a big coincidence a few weeks ago, I got a webdesign job, that allowed me to come to visit “home” after 2 years and to get myself a little truck. 3 weeks I was working on my darling now, so I could turn it into a little home. I even hung my swing in the door. I am planing a trip through the south of Spain and the beautiful Portugal. But today I realized that this will not happen. Having a car again and so much stuff inside feels more like a weight on my shoulders right now, then liberty. I don’t know if I’ll get my money back, my mechanic is not really positive about it. Tomorrow I’ll put it online and make myself a cup of tea to wait.. But one thing is sure. In a few days I’ll start my trip to the south. Because actually there is no failure.
A friend of mine once said “either you win or you learn”. I look at the flowing stream in front of me and let myself get carried away by its determination and ignorance. And feeling as unattached as never, while sipping my coffe, I rework these wise words into “either you learn or you learn”.
My trip has started and nothing can stop me, because I am the fish and the stream. You suckers.